What does grief feel like?

Whatever you’re feeling, it’s ok. When we experience profound grief for a loved one, our emotions can be all over the place, and we often feel absolutely exhausted.

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Everyone feels grief differently. Tāne / men tend to express grief by being physically active, not talking so much about it. Wāhine / women will often share more with others and want to talk about it. Younger tamariki / children may not understand that the person isn’t coming back.

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But you know that the person is gone and will never return. You might be experiencing death for the first time or you may be going through it again - a new death can bring back painful memories.

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Whatever the situation, don’t worry about whether you’re dealing with it ‘properly’ or ‘well’. Give yourself full permission to go with whatever is happening because what you feel is important. Things do get better, given time and space.

Grief feels like… sadness

Feeling sad is the most common reaction to the death of someone you love. Wanting to cry, feeling exhausted and being unable to focus go hand in hand with grief. Sometimes we want to be alone so we can cry. That’s ok. Wanting to talk to someone about it can help too.

Grief feels like… anger

Th death might be the result of an accident, someone else’s actions might have caused it, or maybe your loved one simply got ill. Whatever the reason, you may feel angry about the unfairness of life and why this has happened. This is totally understandable and completely normal.

Grief feels like… guilt

Maybe you blame yourself for the death of your loved one. You might feel guilty for not spending enough time to be with them, taking better care of them, or not telling them often enough that you loved them. Try not to dwell on the ‘should have’ and ‘would have’. You did the best you could at the time. Don’t beat yourself up.

Grief feels like… fear

After a death you might feel afraid, anxious, insecure, and wonder how you’re going to manage without that person in your life.

Grief feels like… shock

Shock is the most common immediate reaction after being told about the death of someone close to you. Our minds and bodies are closely connected, and the effects of shock can linger for days or weeks. You may feel:

• Sick, nauseous, upset puku / tummy and bowels.
• Sweaty, faint.
• Dazed, confused.
• Lost, empty, alone.
• Exhausted.

Your behaviour may change. You may react differently to things. None of these reactions is wrong:

• Crying at the drop of a hat.
• Laughing at what others may see as ‘the wrong thing’ or ‘at an inappropriate time’.
• Disbelief – you simply cannot believe what has happened.
• Feeling nothing at all or numb.

Grieving is the next part. When the shock wears off, it’s time for grief to kick in. Everyone does this in their own way and there’s no right or wrong way. However it happens for you is perfectly fine. There’s no quick fix to make it go away. You may feel:

• Tired, headachy, generally sick.
• Sad, angry, guilty, lonely, disbelieving.
• Forgetful, confused, unable to remember anything.
• Weepy / tearful.

You may find:

• You can’t sleep and when you do, you have nightmares.
• You don’t want to eat much, or at all.
• Some friends stay away because they don’t know what to say or how to help but others who you least expect to step up, do.
• People pressure you into feeling strong when you don’t, and expect you to cope when you’re not.
• People want to tell you their own grief stories, how they got through, and expect their strategies will work for you.
• Everything you believe in spiritually is challenged; you lose faith.

You need to look after yourself. Grief impacts our lives with force, and it rocks our world. It’s intense. The stress of loss affects you physically and emotionally.

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Take care of your mental and physical wellbeing.

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Sometimes we need extra help to get through. If the pressure builds up and it’s too much, talk to someone you trust.  If talking to friends and whānau isn’t working for you, make an appointment with your doctor or see a therapist.

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There’s no shame in getting help: you don’t have to cope on your own.